[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
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Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips