[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
You Might Also Like
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
#growingpains
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve