Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
What can I do to pass the time?
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Tug on my ponytail if you want to know what karate feels like.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.
[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.