“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

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They say all of this started because Eve ate an apple.

Clearly, the book was altered.

Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.


respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”OutrageousM”;s:5:”image”;s:62:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1646997728/image_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”218726600659845120″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”131″;s:5:”tweet”;s:87:”Somewhere in a parallel universe a small toe is beating the shit out of a coffee table.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}


“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc


*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*


I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck


Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.



ME: Ha, like the movie.

CASHIER: Nice one, Seinfeld.

ME: Ha, like the comedian.


ME: Ha, like a mime…