@mstern68

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

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@TheDailySchmuck

They say all of this started because Eve ate an apple.

Clearly, the book was altered.

Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.

@jonnysun

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”OutrageousM”;s:5:”image”;s:62:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1646997728/image_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”218726600659845120″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”131″;s:5:”tweet”;s:87:”Somewhere in a parallel universe a small toe is beating the shit out of a coffee table.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}

@UncleDuke1969

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

@SamGrittner

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

@DancesWithTamis

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

@TheTobbie

CASHIER: 300.

ME: Ha, like the movie.

CASHIER: Nice one, Seinfeld.

ME: Ha, like the comedian.

CASHIER: …

ME: Ha, like a mime…