“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
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Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
#Caturday
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system