“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
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My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.