I really had high hopes for this year though
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Xylophonist Shredding It
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Krampus.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.