Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
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Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry