Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
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Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does