just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
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100 Ways to contact me;
1. Call me.
2. Tweet me.
3. Txt me….
95.Drums and smoke signals
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Me:”But if, as the sign says, there are ‘no right turns’ can u really fault me for making a wrong one.”
Cop:”Thats deep but, yes.”
Me: my best friend is my wife
My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom