Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
*pronounces patio like ratio
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir