ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
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I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Digital security in Ancient Troy
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.