Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
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Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Breaking news:
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards