Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
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I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
can you read it!!??
maan!
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The USS B port
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…