Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.

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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle


Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.


If you want to relate to how old people probably feel just imagine that a bowl of soup cost $40 and everybody else acted like that was fine.


I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”


I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.


[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles


I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.