When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.
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My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!
Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.