@DJRotaryRachel

Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let’s just say it gave me diaghetti.

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@SamGrittner

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

@dumbbeezie

When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it’s probably not cake. I’m tired of the let down.

@norm

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

@sixfootcandy

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

@FrankTheDoorman

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

@seamusmckracken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

@LizerReal

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

@ArfMeasures

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work