[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
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My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her