Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.

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Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*


Saw 10: nickelback on repeat for 24 hours and to get out of the room you have to talk to Ann Coulter.


That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..


[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.


[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise


Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they’ve ever had.


I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic


Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday


That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.


I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?