@Tw1tter_K1tten

Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.

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@briancthayer

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

@Rikidus

Saw 10: nickelback on repeat for 24 hours and to get out of the room you have to talk to Ann Coulter.

@MehrangizC

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

@Book_Krazy

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

@HansGrubertron

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

@theedgeofchris

Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they’ve ever had.

@marcodas146

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

@fro_vo

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?