Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
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Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I found your tweet-up…
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Ah yes. The three genders
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work