Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.

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Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!


My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”


Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.


Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?


My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.


So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.



Migraine relief.


Yell again & they’ll never find your body.


*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.