@lilgapeach30

Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.

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@CantWaitToNap

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

@KentWGraham

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

@ScottLinnen

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

@UnFitz

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

@Social_Mime

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

@SteveKoehler22

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

@Burtslorp

WHAT DO WE WANT?

Migraine relief.

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

Yell again & they’ll never find your body.

@_Jizzabelle

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.