Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.

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Don’t judge me for my race, don’t judge me for my gender.
Judge me because I’ve read all four of the Twilight books.


I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified…

What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?


Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that


The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you have like three followers then go with the sword


When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult


We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex


Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”


Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job


Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.