Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.

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Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.


[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!


everyone’s always saying ‘the good ones die young’, ‘god only takes the best’. so I must be immortal


*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.


Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing