@lilgapeach30

Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.

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@zarascottio

Don’t judge me for my race, don’t judge me for my gender.
Judge me because I’ve read all four of the Twilight books.

@girlontapas

I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified…

What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

@kingstonstreet

The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you have like three followers then go with the sword

@VisionBored1

When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult

@AnOrangeSNES

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

@davetureq

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

@twylaredsun

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job

@sofarrsogud

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.