The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?