Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
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Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Message from the dog groomers
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My nickname in high school was “who?”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”