@OctopusCaveman

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

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@Kica333

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

@3sunzzz

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

@ficklenuts

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

@somecleverthing

Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks “wanna hear something amazing?”

@steventurous

The year 2072:

“What did you study in college?”

“I majored in October 1–8, 2020.”

“That seems really broad. Did you focus on anything within that?”

@Smooheed

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

@SaltyCorpse

I had to breathe while my cat was sitting on my lap and now she’s disgusted with me.

@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

@Divergentmama

This week I’ve learned no one was washing their hands, people think toilet paper prevents viruses and some of you have VERY strong feelings about the potato button on your microwave.

We’re all going to die, aren’t we?