Atheists are Popeless romantics.

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Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.


Me: Hello
Teacher: Hello
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?

I hate parrot teacher conferences


Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead


Me: One of you… is the murderer

Everyone: *starts sweating*

Me: (unable to tell who’s guilty) a sauna was a bad place to hold this meeting


I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.


While you’re making a difference I’m making spaghetti bolognese. So I ask you, who’s winning now?


DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?


Every grocery store I have been to in the past two weeks has been out of toilet paper, yet fully stocked with toilet bowl cleaner. Unrelated, divorce rates are spiking.


date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman