@TheTweetOfGod

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

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@djdarrellripley

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Hello
Teacher: Hello
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?

I hate parrot teacher conferences

@FredTaming

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

@isabelzawtun

Me: One of you… is the murderer

Everyone: *starts sweating*

Me: (unable to tell who’s guilty) a sauna was a bad place to hold this meeting

@MaryJustice86

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

@tsm560

While you’re making a difference I’m making spaghetti bolognese. So I ask you, who’s winning now?

@AndrewNadeau0

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

@portmanteauface

Every grocery store I have been to in the past two weeks has been out of toilet paper, yet fully stocked with toilet bowl cleaner. Unrelated, divorce rates are spiking.

@kieransofar

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman