Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
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Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[tarot card reading]
You will be a King
And find a beautiful queen
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE
Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
just gonna leave this here
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.