Atheists are Popeless romantics.

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Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order


Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!


[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?


They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.


How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”


Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.


I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.


The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.


When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.