@TheTweetOfGod

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

You Might Also Like

@RandiLawson

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

@bylinetd

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

@squirrel74wkgn

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

@TheCatWhisprer

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

@MaraWilson

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

@AimeeHelene1

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

@2tickytacky

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

@DurtMcHurtt

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

@SomeChrisTweets

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.