@TheTweetOfGod
@RandiLawson Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
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@RandiLawson 
@bylinetd Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
@squirrel74wkgn [tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
@TheCatWhisprer They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
@MaraWilson How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
@AimeeHelene1 Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
@2tickytacky I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
@DurtMcHurtt The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
@HilariousEdited just gonna leave this here
@SomeChrisTweets When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.