@TheTweetOfGod
@djdarrellripley
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
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@djdarrellripley
@JermHimselfish
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
@Mr_Kapowski
Me: Hello
Teacher: Hello
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?I hate parrot teacher conferences
@FredTaming
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
@isabelzawtun
Me: One of you… is the murderer
Everyone: *starts sweating*
Me: (unable to tell who’s guilty) a sauna was a bad place to hold this meeting
@MaryJustice86
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
@tsm560
While you’re making a difference I’m making spaghetti bolognese. So I ask you, who’s winning now?
@AndrewNadeau0
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
@portmanteauface
Every grocery store I have been to in the past two weeks has been out of toilet paper, yet fully stocked with toilet bowl cleaner. Unrelated, divorce rates are spiking.
@kieransofar
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman