Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
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My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?