[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
You Might Also Like
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.