Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
You Might Also Like
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Brands during Pride
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
A leaf blower, but for people.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night