Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

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When I get home to find my wife naked in the tub, seductively asking me to “warm her up”, I dont waste a second..

to throw in a hairdryer


*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.


I told you I’m busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?


Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)


Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice


Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.


*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*


Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.


Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.


Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.