“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
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Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Just say no
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
…u ok Nintendo?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.