Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
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You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Jail
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that