Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Yes, this is exactly right
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Every work meeting this week
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*