ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
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On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Midwest trash talk
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps