The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
selena gomez
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”