ATMs should have breathalyzers

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*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.


My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.


My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.


Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.


In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.


[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory


Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds


The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.


[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”


Is there gangs where they just go to buffets? I can join that type of gang.