@NolaChef504

ATMs should have breathalyzers

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@mommajessiec

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

@thedadvocate01

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

@baronvonbike

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

@AnOrangeSNES

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

@ArfMeasures

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

@TheBoydP

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

@thedad

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

@KeetPotato

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

@thatUPSdude

Is there gangs where they just go to buffets? I can join that type of gang.