AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
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Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.