@psybermonkey

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

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@tchrquotes

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

@jnrbtsn

Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.

@perhapssomeday

No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.

@TheCatWhisprer

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

@MattOswaltVA

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

@1Happytwit

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

@wonggloong

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.