*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
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*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.