*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
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When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”