Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
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DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes