Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”