Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
This January has 47 Mondays
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
The Onion called it…again.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.