Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
You Might Also Like
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”