Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
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44.65
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45.01~ gas pumps
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Sex so good you see dead people.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.