@ojedge

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

- @ojedge

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@WineMummy

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

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@AaronCSU54

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

@UncleDuke1969

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

@HenpeckedHal

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

@robin_991

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on peoples heads.
7yo: why do you need to be a bird?

my 7yo is ready for twitter.

@GrantTanaka

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

@SSDated

Grad school is my excuse for everything. No text back? Grad school. Havent called in weeks? Grad school. I ate your last donut? Grad school!

@caperbc75

First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote “like an onion”. Can you clarify?

@sucittaM

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.