[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
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7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.