@ojedge

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

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@NoticablyBacon

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

@SvnSxty

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

@Home_Halfway

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

@ArfMeasures

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

@TweetPotato314

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

@diannaeanderson

I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me

@Heldinchains

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

@3sunzzz

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

@CornOnTheGoblin

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

@BGH70

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.