[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college


*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire


Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.


“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.


me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?


I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me


My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.


This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.


honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good


There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.