*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
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Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I enjoy a good short stor
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
repaired
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I don’t know what to do
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?