@POTerritory

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

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@trumpetcake

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

@KaysNH

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

@_elvishpresley_

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

@FredTaming

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

@graceupongracie

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

@TweetsByTheTony

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

@TheBeerGuy73

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

@JohnHilsen

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don’t even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.