*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.


A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.


Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM


Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?


Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess


El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.


Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.


Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.


My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don’t even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.