@AngstromHoot

Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him

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@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

@ArfMeasures

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

@PettyClegg

my boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting

@ddsmidt

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

@WalkingOutside

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

@Mr_Kapowski

Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.

@givesnoerection

I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.

@XplodingUnicorn

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

@PieChord

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.