I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
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Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.