[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
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[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.