ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
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Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
awkward
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?