Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.


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“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”


crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle


When my daughter was 2 she pointed at a squirrel and shouted “Look, a scurry-el!” so if you’re still using the old name you need to get with it.


I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.


HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!


[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly


How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)


I’m not saying I don’t like you, but if you had an open wound I’d hand you a salt shaker.


There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s


i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.