Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
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OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Do not levitate over flowers
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels