ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
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The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.