Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I’m saying to you.
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DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Women don’t make good meteorologists because they’re never wrong
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.