@TheTweetOfGod

Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I’m saying to you.

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@junejuly12

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@MommaUnfiltered

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

@david8hughes

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

@LouisPeitzman

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

@clichedout

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

@dumbbeezie

Women don’t make good meteorologists because they’re never wrong

@pittdave13

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

@danimgrace

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.