[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
You Might Also Like
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Seems kinda suspicious
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
some things should go without saying
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents