ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
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Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?