@dshack8

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

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@envydatropic

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

@ExploringUrMind

Drugs, is not the answer unless the question is why are you eating spaghetti with your hands.

@TheMichaelRock

Sorry I shot your SUV but it’s deer season, I saw the antlers and I panicked.

@goldengateblond

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

@Ndeshi_M

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

@AllanForsyth

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

@Try2StopME

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

@DanMentos

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

@causticbob

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.