Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
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Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Sticker placement is key.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?