ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
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listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My kitchen overserved me.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
pizza
Ladies, why y’all do this?
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you