Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
You Might Also Like
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.