Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
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ME: I like your hair
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Well this was a highlight of my day
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
join me in holy matrimony you coward
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*