@SimplySimple_me

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

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@Pro_Jones_

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

@KalvinMacleod

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

@DaddyJew

I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese

@Pat_Bren

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

@Breadery

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

@QwertyJones3

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

@RafflesWord

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

@CrockettForReal

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*