Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

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Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*


[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*


I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese


“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf


I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.


Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots


I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.


*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*